12 September 2015

Facing Hard Times

I always feel like I am really lucky. I never had any major hard times. I have a great life and enjoy every second of it. But something happened in 2013, a few days before I am turning 20, I got a health issue and had to deal with it for months. I guess that was my first. In the beginning of 2015, here we come to the final year of uni. I think 8th semester is enough unless we did something else important and useful, but I am not doing any so I better leave uni asap. Thesis/ final assignment process was a really hard journey. Long story short, I finished it on time.

Graduated (not officially yet), I felt miserable for the first time in my life. There was a moment I thought I need to go to a therapist because it feel like I am not mentally stable. I am not sure whether I am depressed or too dramatic? During my hard times, I did not like to meet people. I was a real strict, I rejected a lot of hang out invitations. I realized it gets worse when I started to not being happy when my closed ones ask how my life's going. I feel intimidated due to the reason I can't explain. But they kept telling me that they love me no matter what. Again, I feel bad for myself.

I told myself to stay in the present and feel grateful. My close friends told me that they are confused why do I keep feeling miserable sometimes (they do not know that it isn't 'sometimes', but it's 'everytime'). They see my life as a nice and stable life. My office mates who's mostly older than me told me their struggles when they were young. They said that I am so lucky that I do not have to face a bitter life like they did, but I can't get this feeling out of my head.

I don't know if it is just a phase or should I do a big change. But one thing I learned, so it is how it feels like to become an adult. So complicated.  Last Wednesday, I decided to take a day off from the office and let myself go back to university.  It is very nice to come back for a while and meet my friends there. But most importantly, I finally got a chance to meet my parents since I kept dreaming about them lol. I got a lot of presents from my friends, it somehow makes me sad that I can not attend their graduation next month to give them presents by myself due to office hours. Here are some snaps in my graduation.

ibu & ayah
with my scholarship sponsors, Ibu Mien and two madams from Australian and New Zealand Association (ANZA) Jakarta.

close friends since freshman year and still counting. we're taking different majors anyway, not a 'classmates gank'. i took my graduation dress off because the weather was so hot!

this person is one of my 'thoughts box' during my hard times. thank you for listening to my weird thoughts and respond it.
I did not really looking forward to graduation. I did not see anything special with graduation event. I did not buy or make any kebaya, I used my mom's old kebaya and kain songket instead. I was too lazy to going shopping. I did not use any make up artist, thanks God I get a nice skin, so even though I did not use much make up I still look okay lol. I did not sleep in the hotel, I went to Bogor right from Jakarta. I did not even get those graduation dress and hat by myself, my friend did it for me since we could only take it on work day, and I couldn't go to Bogor because I was working.

Such a disgrace and ungrateful little bitch.
A sentence which I choose to describe myself in most of my time in 2015. I thought I was going through the biggest storm in my life so far and I was not really good at facing it. I kept asking God oh why do You let me suffer? But deep down I know that it's a lesson for me and who knows in the future I'll face another bigger storm. I thank God and say sorry since I realize that it makes me stronger. But still, I don't buy "Badai Pasti Berlalu" quotes, so I have to think another way to enjoy the storm anyway.

And oh, this post is getting too personal. So, bye!