I always feel like I am really lucky. I never had any major hard times. I have a great life and enjoy every second of it. But something happened in 2013, a few days before I am turning 20, I got a health issue and had to deal with it for months. I guess that was my first. In the beginning of 2015, here we come to the final year of uni. I think 8th semester is enough unless we did something else important and useful, but I am not doing any so I better leave uni asap. Thesis/ final assignment process was a really hard journey. Long story short, I finished it on time.
Graduated (not officially yet), I felt miserable for the first time in my life. There was a moment I thought I need to go to a therapist because it feel like I am not mentally stable. I am not sure whether I am depressed or too dramatic? During my hard times, I did not like to meet people. I was a real strict, I rejected a lot of hang out invitations. I realized it gets worse when I started to not being happy when my closed ones ask how my life's going. I feel intimidated due to the reason I can't explain. But they kept telling me that they love me no matter what. Again, I feel bad for myself.
I told myself to stay in the present and feel grateful. My close friends told me that they are confused why do I keep feeling miserable sometimes (they do not know that it isn't 'sometimes', but it's 'everytime'). They see my life as a nice and stable life. My office mates who's mostly older than me told me their struggles when they were young. They said that I am so lucky that I do not have to face a bitter life like they did, but I can't get this feeling out of my head.
I don't know if it is just a phase or should I do a big change. But one thing I learned, so it is how it feels like to become an adult. So complicated. Last Wednesday, I decided to take a day off from the office and let myself go back to university. It is very nice to come back for a while and meet my friends there. But most importantly, I finally got a chance to meet my parents since I kept dreaming about them lol. I got a lot of presents from my friends, it somehow makes me sad that I can not attend their graduation next month to give them presents by myself due to office hours. Here are some snaps in my graduation.
|ibu & ayah|
|with my scholarship sponsors, Ibu Mien and two madams from Australian and New Zealand Association (ANZA) Jakarta.|
|close friends since freshman year and still counting. we're taking different majors anyway, not a 'classmates gank'. i took my graduation dress off because the weather was so hot!|
|this person is one of my 'thoughts box' during my hard times. thank you for listening to my weird thoughts and respond it.|
I did not really looking forward to graduation. I did not see anything special with graduation event. I did not buy or make any kebaya, I used my mom's old kebaya and kain songket instead. I was too lazy to going shopping. I did not use any make up artist, thanks God I get a nice skin, so even though I did not use much make up I still look okay lol. I did not sleep in the hotel, I went to Bogor right from Jakarta. I did not even get those graduation dress and hat by myself, my friend did it for me since we could only take it on work day, and I couldn't go to Bogor because I was working.
Such a disgrace and ungrateful little bitch.
A sentence which I choose to describe myself in most of my time in 2015. I thought I was going through the biggest storm in my life so far and I was not really good at facing it. I kept asking God oh why do You let me suffer? But deep down I know that it's a lesson for me and who knows in the future I'll face another bigger storm. I thank God and say sorry since I realize that it makes me stronger. But still, I don't buy "Badai Pasti Berlalu" quotes, so I have to think another way to enjoy the storm anyway.
And oh, this post is getting too personal. So, bye!